Suddenly I see, this is what I wanna be.... #1

First off, lemme introduce myself.
I'm a 2nd year in my Higher Education program, preparing for graduation, and launching into my first ever serious job search. And I'm not gonna lie - I'm totally scared.

Back in August one of my assistantship supervisors asked me what I was thinking about doing for my job search - what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I went completely deer-in-headlights on her, and she laughed and told me she'd let me get away with that for now. Around November she asked me again. This time I was a little more clear about what I wanted to do, but still wimpered in fear about the whole job search process. Eventually, I broke down and let her edit my resume. Then another supervisor wanted to see it. Finally, in December, I came across a job description that was fantastic. It seemed nearly made for me and all of a sudden I found myself asking for cover letter assistance. The next thing I knew I was perfecting my resume, logging into the website, and filling out my first application. Hitting 'submit' was the scariest thing I'd done all semester. And now here it is, the beginning stages of my last semester, and suddenly I'm truly faced with finding a job or being unemployed with a mountain of student loan debt. *gulp* No pressure or anything.

I didn't think that these decisions would have to be made already. I've spent the last year and a half completely falling in love with student affairs and trying to get as much experience as possible. I've been able to meet so many incredible individuals, both in and out of class, and do amazing things. My classes have been thought provoking, my professors have been endearing. Suddenly, it's time to become an adult. Where did all of my time go?

Despite my fear and reservations, I'm ready to finally "grow up" and do something fantastic with my life. I've been going to school virtually non-stop since kindergarten - I headed to college straight from high school, and then I decided that continuing right on to graduate school was the best choice. I think it's time that I made some decent money and got a Big Girl Job. I need a salary. I need benefits. I need an office.

First, I just have to get through this final semester. Classes, my Assistantship, an Internship, and my Second Job are filling up my plate - not to mention all the time that a job search actually takes. I have already realized that all of this will challenge my organizational skills to the max. I'm already a freak with my day planner, and it's starting to get even worse. My 'to do' lists are filled with the most mundane of tasks, but I fear that if I don't write it down it'll never get done. The anxiety is building, and I've already experienced my first panic attacks of the semester. So far, I've applied for 6 jobs. This number seems ridiculously small, and I'm combing all the good places to find interesting postings that might work for me. The goal is to have an offer that I'm planning on accepting (or have already accepted) by graduation. This leaves me with three and a half months - not very much time. And the next wave of anxiety washes over me....

This brings me to the title of my little blog. While at the Second Job this evening, KT Tunstall's song "Suddenly I See" came up in the playlist. Truth be told, I already love this song and I've been known to sing it loudly (and out of key) when I hear it. With everything on my mind already, including what to title this thing, it hit me that the first line of the chorus would work beautifully. Despite all the anxiety and the nervousness, the suffering and the worrying, this really IS what I want to be. Can I imagine myself in a life that doesn't involve student affairs? No. This means I have to be on the right track.

And you know, if all else fails, there's still Second Job to fall back on. This is one of the reasons I haven't quit yet. But it's all about positive thinking. It won't matter, because I'll get a job. I don't need a fall back plan, right?

Of course I'll get a job.
.....right?