Suddenly I see, this is what I wanna be.... #18

I have no idea where the past week has gone. I can't even claim that I've been busy everyday as my blogging pal has been - to be honest, I've been hit with a wave of laziness.

Last Friday I got one "Thanks, but no thanks" email from an ACPA employer that I liked. Then within hours after that I got another email from a different employer telling me the same thing about two positions I didn't even know I was being considered for. Unfortunately, this happened to be my number one choice and the ambiguity of the email left me wondering if I was being canned for the position that I really liked, in addition to these other ones that I was totally not interested in. I fired off as much of a professional "wtf?" reply email that I could. Then I had a complete breakdown and completely gave up. I couldn't even tell you what I did for the rest of the day besides stare at my inbox and just dare someone else to email me and turn me down.

My weekend turned hectic and interesting, and I wasn't surprised that there was a full moon. I swear, the most random stuff happens to me. So after working and dealing with many other things, I started my week. I did the class thing, I did the homework thing, I did the working thing. Today is a complete and total day off for me, and I'm planning on enjoying it. I've managed to knock out the last bit of school work that I needed to do. All is left is finishing up a few things for my internship and actually making it through this last week of class.

A bright spot amongst all of this was the announcement of an opportunity for summer employment. My assistantship (which, by the way, is the best place to work with the nicest people ever) has found the money to offer me a temporary part-time position from graduation until mid-August. This has now bought me three more months of job searching time if I need it. I can keep my second job and try to save money while still being able to pay my bills and hunt for a job. This took a HUGE load of anxiety away from me. While I'd love to find a job as soon as possible, knowing that I have a little extra time is great.

I'm also comforted to know that my classmates don't seem to be having much more luck with their searches. Some have gone to more on-campus interviews (I'm holding steady at one so far) but people are getting rejected and not really liking many of the places that they're going to. At least I know I'm not the black sheep of the program that just can't find something.

I did get a reply from my number one school who clarified that their initial email was only in regard to those two positions. I can only assume that they haven't yet made their decisions for the position that I'm interested in. I made some phone calls today and left messages for those people I spoke with at ACPA that I was interested in. Since last week I've applied for 4 or 5 more positions and I've got a few more to crank out over the weekend. I have two weeks until graduation. I can't believe the past two years have all come down to these final two weeks.

Suddenly I see, this is what I wanna be.... #17

Hi, my name is Emotional Mess and Anxiety.

Yesterday I had a spontaneous crying fit in the office. Maybe it wasn't so spontaneous, since one of my supervisors asked how I was and that sort of brought it on.

I am very much aware that my time left at my assistantship and in this program is running out. I would very much like to find a job so that I can figure out my gameplan for the next few months. This whole waiting around thing isn't really working for me anymore, and if I was okay with it, it still wouldn't make this whole decision-making process any easier.

My interview from last week went well. Aside from completely rambling through a presentation, it was good. Great? Awesome? I can't even tell. Would I be surprised if they called and offered it to me.....no. I don't want to say that I expect it, but I can definitely see it happening. What would I say if that happened.....I have no idea. I'm making it a practice to not answer any numbers I don't know that have that area code and exchange. I'd rather get a voicemail and then have time to process things. At this point (and to the disappointment of many, I'm sure) I would probably take the job. Not saying that I wouldn't do some additional follow-up with the other places that I liked at ACPA, but unless someone said "Oh, I was just about to call you!" I'm not sure I could turn it down.

In the meantime, I'll continue sitting and waiting. Patience may be a virtue but it's certainly not one that I possess. If nothing else, I suppose this job search has given me a lesson in that.

Suddenly I see, this is what I wanna be.... #8

I am faced with an interesting combination of feelings these days.

First, I am now one month from ACPA. This leaves me excited and anxious to get there and start interviewing. I already have a few things scheduled, with many others in the mix. I'm quickly becoming addicted to the ACPA candidate site, looking all around at the positions out there and deciding what is worth my time. It's like an insane grocery store with all these options of different kinds of food, but instead there are all these institutional types to choose from.

This would be easier if I knew exactly what type of institution I was after, as well as where I want to go. I'm doing a fairly broad search, both in type of position and geographic location, which I thought was a good idea. I'm pretty marketable (if I may toot my own horn) in several areas, and why not experiment and see what's available to me? Location is an ever-evolving challenge. There are some cities/areas that I am specifically looking in. There are also many states that I never thought I would consider going to that are now definitely on my radar screen.

I thought that having nothing holding me back would be a blessing, but I'm starting to wish that I had a major anchor holding me down -- only so that decision making would be easier. And even as I type these words my brain is racing and a little voice is saying, "Self! You know how much you LOVE that you can look where you please. You would be so unhappy with limited resources!!"

The voice is right. This is only the tip of the iceberg with my emotions. Read on.

What creates more of the oil and water mixture of my feelings is when you factor in the overwhelming lack of motivation that's starting to seep in. Yes, I'm still managing to harvest some for the use of my job search, but getting a job will mean nothing unless I actually complete my degree. Unfortunately, reading for class and writing papers is not really attention-grabbing these days. It's the time of year - spring is nowhere to be found (with no inclination that it'll be around anytime in the near future) but I'm well aware of how close spring break is. I want that week off (although my insanity has kicked in, and I'm committing to a week of work at BOTH the Assistantship and the Second Job). I want to lay around my apartment and stare at the walls. I want to watch massive amounts of television, think nothing at all about school, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Of course, I also want a job. Alas...what's a girl to do?

I suppose there's nothing else to do but suck it up and get things done. The great prospects of ACPA should be enough fuel to kick my ass in gear and make it through the next few months. I've hit this type of slump before, and always during this time of year. Too much snow and too much stress is enough to make my motivation pack up and head for warmer clilmates.

Suddenly I see, this is what I wanna be....#5

I wish I had more exciting and interesting news to give everyone, but I don't. I haven't heard from any other places, and I haven't spent any time applying anywhere new. February is always a very hectic month for me, and this is proving no different than usual. On my last post, a comment was left asking what kind of schools I was looking at for positions. I wish I could give a definitive answer, but the fact remains that I'm not being very picky about much. I've experienced both the private and public atmospheres - I can see the benefits of both, and I enjoy the resources that both have to offer. I have been able to be at institutions ranging in size from the very small to the very large - and once again, I can see the appeal of both types. In the end it doesn't really matter which type of school I'm working at, so long as it's in a place I love and in a position that excites me.

That being said, my heart belongs to the liberal arts colleges. Would I give my eyeteeth to work at one someday? Yes. Does that NEED to be right now? No. Would it be beyond awesome if it DID happen right out of the gate like this? You bet.

My only gripe that I can make as of late is with my internship. Parts of it are amazing - I love the things I'm doing and I love the people I'm working with. Other parts of it are not so cool....such as my supervisor. The good part is that there's limited interaction there, but the bad part is that every interaction that IS there is one that leaves me feeling uninspired and feeling like I'm just not good enough. This seems to be the usual feeling according to everyone else I talked to that is professionally supervised by this person. It's making me nervous about what will be said on the evaluation of my performance, although I think I'll be okay.

I guess it's time to hop back on the job search horse and start searching some more. So much work and so much time spent, but so few results so far. It's a little disheartening, but I know it's early still. My ability to stay positive still exists, but I still can't help but feel a let down with each passing day.